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Health
27 July, 2016

Chronic Pain: What Not to Say (& What to Say Instead)

When someone you care about is living with chronic pain, the most important thing you can do is to support them with empathy and understanding. But knowing what not to say is just as important as knowing the right words. A careless comment, even if well-meaning, may unintentionally cause harm.People with a history of injury and pain may often be overly sensitised to warning signals in the brain. A normal movement pattern reminiscent of an old injury may trigger pain pathways, even though it’s only an ‘alarm’ for potential danger. That doesn’t mean the pain is “just in their head.”

Why Words Matter with Chronic Pain

According to pain medicine specialist Dr Charlotte Johnstone, many people tend to talk down to others in chronic pain, trying to “manage them” or tell them what they should do. Instead, she advises keeping the conversation open and supportive: let them share, then respond in a way that shows you’ve listened.

9 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone with Chronic Pain

  1. “Snap out of it.”
    Pain may feel isolating, and being told to “just be positive” makes it worse. Instead, say: “It sounds like you’ve had a difficult day, but you managed it really well. How do you think you’ll handle the rest of the day?”
  2. “There’s always someone worse off.”
    This undercuts their experience. Try highlighting positives in your friendship instead: “It sounds like it’s been tough, but I’m glad we can spend some time together now.”
  3. “Have you tried …”
    Chances are, they already have. A better approach: “You must be driven mad by all these suggestions, but sometimes one does help — has anything worked for you lately?”
  4. “Just don’t think about it.”
    Chronic pain is not solved by distraction. Clinical psychologist Toby Newton-John warns against implying it’s psychological. Instead, you might share your own positive experiences with therapy or gently ask if they’re feeling stressed.
  5. “Let me know if I can help.”
    While well-intentioned, it’s vague. Offer something specific: “I’d love to help — how about I do your laundry or walk the dog this week?”
  6. “At least you don’t have to go to work.”
    This dismisses their struggles. For many, working again would be a dream.
  7. “Things will get better soon.”
    Optimism may sound hollow. Instead, acknowledge their strength: “I really admire the way you cope with everything.”
  8. “Are you in pain because you…?”
    Unless they offer details, avoid probing. Let them choose if they want to share their pain’s cause.
  9. “I feel so sorry for you.”
    Pity isn’t helpful. Empathy is. Try: “I admire how well you cope. I’m here for you.”

Supporting Loved Ones Living with Chronic Pain

When in doubt, focus on empathy and presence: smile, hug them, hold their hand, or simply listen. Even small gestures may provide comfort.

For more practical strategies, you may also like our resources on how to reduce stress and shifting your worry into action.

Look after yourselves,
Evan

Thanks to Reader’s Digest for reference. Image credit: The Awkward Yeti.

 

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